The world shook when our nine-year-old had an epic tantrum when we were in the car, getting ready for a two hour drive home. 

But this is where I also admit — an epic tantrum also came from me. 

I have dealt with these tantrums before so I am not exactly sure on what set me off. It might have been that we were out of town that weekend for a funeral — it might have been the lack of sleep — it might have been the bad week at work — or it might have just been THE last of the one too many of epic tantrums from our child that set me off. 

It may have been all the above but I can admit that my reaction to his tantrum was not my finest parenting moment. 

“Saxon! You are overreacting!”

“I am so tired of you acting like this!”

“If you continue to scream at me, I will take your Amazon Echo off you!”

I am telling our child that he needs to calm down yet, here I was raising my voice and yelling at him. I was not setting a good example. 

Listen, here’s the truth 

It is an unrealistic thought to be a perfect parent 100% of the time. Making mistakes and having a low mood is a mundane thing. This also means that we should expect the same from our children. Our children will also have bad days — they are going to have days at school where they didn’t do well — they will have days where they are tired — they will have days where someone wasn’t being respectful to them. So consider this in all aspects of your child’s life. 

So, what do you do when your child is out of control?

• Recognise what you are feeling

In order to respond correctly, you need to know what you are feeling because after all it is our emotions that drive our thoughts and actions. Once you recognise what you are feeling, realise that this moment isn’t about you. It’s about your child. 

• Take a deep breath

We all have those thoughts where we know how to respond but our emotions that control us make us react in ways we know we shouldn’t. If you feel like this is going to happen to you: hold your breath for three seconds then exhale for five seconds. 

Do this until you feel calm enough to respond. It is okay to not have a response to your child right away — especially if it is going to benefit the situation. 

• Recognise what your child is feeling

You think you know why they are acting the way they are. “She laughed at me.” He yelled — but it isn’t always that simple. They may be scared, angry, embarrassed or tired. We have to remember that children's brains are still developing which means, they are still learning to process their thoughts and the meanings behind them. So talk to them in a calm and level voice. Ask them what they are feeling. They may not know themselves but they will see that you are trying to understand and that really helps them come to level waters again. 

What to do AFTER the tantrum

• Tell your child that you love them

At the end of the day, your child wants to be happy and feel safe. If your child knows that he is loved, even during his tantrums then he

• Reflect

Sit down when you have the chance and have a glass of wine (or two) and think about what you would change for next time because there will be another time. In the moment it is hard to understand your emotions and the actions you chose to carry out but on reflection it is easier to learn from past experiences to ensure you improve yourself next time. 

• Move on 

What has happened, has happened. No need to grovel on it. Accept that it has happened and move on. It is as simple as that.  

We cannot control what others do but we can control how we react to it

That is something I tell the kids all the time. So just remember, you cannot always reason with your child when they are escalated. They think they are right and you think you are right. It's just fighting fire with fire. Instead, show them your love, show them your warm eyes, show them your soft embrace and just 'be there' for your child without being drawn into their tantrum.

Are you guilty of chucking a tantrum like me? I'd love to hear about it in the comments below. 

Talk soon,

Emmylou