Hi there,
The role of being a step parent can be tricky and figuring out when to step in or to step back will always be a constant battle. So when you are overwhelmed, unsure of your role in the matter, or just unsure if it will benefit the situation by being involved — take a step back and follow these tips.
Self-check
One of the hardest but most important things to do when things get heated is to do a self check to determine if we are making it worse. In order to figure that out, we need to be REAL with ourselves. Majority of the time if we want or need something to change in our lives — it has to be ourselves that initiate that change — so when things aren't going right and you feel you aren't getting anywhere with the children ask yourselves the below:
• Do I treat them with respect?
• Am I being fair?
• What is my tone?
• Is there an underlying issue here?
• Should I be invited into this argument?
• Am I being the type of step-parent I want to be?
• Am I taking care of myself?
Once you have the answers to the above questions then you will know the right approach. All the above questions are important but I believe the most important out of them all is the self-care question; Are you taking care of yourself? When we take care of ourselves we are healthier, happier, and not exhausting ourselves to the brink of a breakdown. When we are in a good spot — physically and mentally — we find ourselves being more self-aware, patient, kind, supportive and loving towards everyone.
Don't take it personally
As time goes on you build a relationship with your step-children but there will still be good and bad days. You are probably thinking "You're crazy! How can I not take it personally when the kids say they hate me?" but you need to realise something.
Children who are involved in blended families have a lot of mixed emotions along with pressures from both sides of the family. They have to deal with their family being broken up, then they need to see their parents possibly becoming toxic towards each other, they are trying to keep both mum and dad happy, they need to adjust to a new lifestyle where they live between two houses and have to share holidays and birthdays then, you come along! You are someone who is new, strange and possibly temporary.
Just be you, empathetic, understanding, and the children will eventually see that you are not trying to step on anyone's toes. Once you realise what your partners children are going through — it's easier to not take their attitude towards you as personally.
Understand that your partner is struggling, too
• He doesn't always get to see his children
• He has to manage co-parenting with his ex
• He has to keep everyone happy
As much as we try not to, we tend to get selfish when we are a step-parent and we get angry at our partner because he doesn't side with us or doesn't realise when we are upset. Our partner has so much going on he may innocently not realise you are struggling — so you need to tell him in a way that doesn't put more pressure on him.
We focus more so on how we are feeling and how we are struggling with the day to day struggles of a blended family when we need to remember that our partner is feeling the stress of it all as well. You need to remember that your partner will be struggling by not being able to see his children as much as he would like. He would have gone from a relationship where he and his ex are with the children every day to now having to wait to see his children every second weekend — if they end up coming at all. This would be hard for him.
The hardest thing for your partner would be that he not only has to deal with his own feelings and concerns, he has to make sure the children are okay, keep the ex happy, keep you happy, and try to make sure everyone gets along. That is a lot of pressure that has been put on your partner and we need to remember that he will be struggling as well. Maybe when you are able to, ask your partner what you can do to help him?
Step back - disengage
It is always good to know when you are starting to feel overwhelmed or exhausted from the blended family dynamics. Try to learn the signs of exhaustion before it gets to the point of a break down and then tell your partner why you are stepping back. Don't be ashamed admitting this to him because he will be thankful that you know when you need to disengage.
• Your partner is quite capable of caring for the kids
• Pick your battles
• Don't sweat the small stuff
There will be many stepfamily stressors — from, the children continuously leaving their clothes on the bathroom floor to, chucking a tantrum stating you aren't their real mum — but what you need to do is sit back and think to yourself, does it really matter? Not being respected or appreciated is an issue but a child leaving their clothes on the floor for another hour or so until they cool down won't cause the end of the world. If it's not in you to walk away from a challenge (and by challenge, I mean winning the argument or trying to dominate) then reframe the way you look at the situation — instead of seeing it as you not bring capable of taking care of the matter, see it is a way of showing the children it's okay to step back until you are in the right frame of mind to respond appropriately.
There are days where everything goes smoothly and then there are days that will leave you wanting to pull your hair out or cry in the shower, and frankly — there will be plenty more of those moments in the future, you just need to know that you are not alone. What you do is amazing! Helping co-parent and being present in a step child's life is a wonderful privilege because not everyone is willing, brave, or strong enough to do it.
Just remember, when things get tough — step back, take a breath, and remember you are doing an amazing job as a step-parent.
Much love,
Emmylou
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