Hi there, 

In general, families are complicated, but step-parenting is one of the most challenging roles in a family. There are no set rules because every family situation is different, but that doesn’t mean it makes it easier for step-parents. Being a step-parent doesn’t come with a guide. So, I’ve made a list to help get you started. Here are some tips on what a step-parent should never do:

Avoid playing favourites

There is no need to show who your favourites are between stepchildren or even between stepchildren and your own biological children. It just makes the kids dislike each other. While you’ll always have more of a special connection towards one child than the other, it’s best to not throw it in anyone’s face. Plus, it just creates more step-parenting/parenting problems.

Never speak ill of their mother

As far as the child is concerned, they don’t need to know the messy details. They are already going through enough. The kids need to know they are able to speak and love both parents freely without any repercussions. They need to know they can trust you. It doesn’t matter how “bad” their mother is, they won’t believe you. It is best—and healthier—to remain quiet about your emotions, feelings, opinions, or your perspective when it is related to their mother.

Don’t have unrealistic expectations

It’s not all rainbows and butterflies where the kids (and the ex) will accept you with open arms. It is one tough gig you’ve got going on. That shouldn’t be the anticipation. You will end up very stressed and hurt. The trust and respect for you will come over time but be prepared that it might take a while.

Be patient however a general rule would be that everyone should be treating each other with the same respect and kindness you would anyone else in your family. You don’t need to be a parent to teach manners to a child from a young age.

Discipline is not your job

As hard as it is to hear it, you are not the parent. Leave the hard decisions and disciplining to the child’s parents. Instead, focus on setting specific household rules. Over time you may be able to discipline (to a degree) but it is such a grey area that it’s hard to get right from the get-go. Trust me, you will learn what you can and can’t do—the children, your partner, and the ex will tell you when you are in the wrong.

Don't be the messenger

Some complex family dynamics end up with the children’s mother talking to you instead of your partner. It's not your place to be the messenger between the exes. I would highly recommend not allowing that to become a habit because it just gets messy—I know this firsthand.

“But you reply in time, he does not’.
“He is frustrating me too much”
“We just end up fighting, so I am just going to organise it with you”

These are just a few examples I have heard from the ex when she has come to me instead of my partner. It causes my anxiety to skyrocket, and it just is another stress that gets added to my shoulders that shouldn’t be there, to begin with. The lines become blurred as to what your responsibilities are as a stepparent and it backfires when you believe you can do certain things but because the ex is having a bad day, she will quickly pull you up and say you overstepped. Just tell your partner they approached you and that they need to sort it out themselves. He will understand.

Do not act as a “replacement” mum

Step-parents are mentors, role models, a support system, someone who cares, another person whom the children can come to if they need help, but, the children need to know you are not replacing their mother. They only have one mum and you as a step-parent need to respect that. You need to show them the role you will be playing in their life early on, so they feel secure and not threatened by change. You may also not overstep but because of how amazing you are, their mum feels threatened and lashes out, but if the kids are secure in the fact you are just an amazing person who respects and loves them without trying to be their mum, they will not get hurt from being caught in the crossfires.

You cannot force relationships

It is essential for your relationship to grow naturally otherwise it can result in defiance, with the children retreating and taking longer to come back around. Be patient because age is a factor as well. If they are young, chances are you’ll have a new best friend by the end of the end, however, if you have teenagers, that’s just a whole different kettle of fish.

 

Step-parenting is tricky because you are coming into a well-established family dynamic that already has its own rules, traditions, and routines, and amongst that, you are trying to find your place. Please comment below with any advice on what a step-parent should avoid.

Bye for now,

Emmylou